Three or four weeks ago he came. I was lying down on the park bench on my front porch watching Punchinello watching the sprinklers. The sprinklers were on because I was trying to figure out what do do about too little water coverage over the front yard since I had my pipes recoppered. It was relaxing. Wonderful.

A white pickup truck pulled up and stopped, half blocking my driveway. Someone up the street was shouting at the person in the truck, an unusual truck, big, big sort of boxy tool thing, or something, in the bed. Neighbors, I thought.

Next thing I knew a couple of guys were coming up my driveway. Nello was cool. The leader, it was clear he was the leader, addressed me. Baseball cap. Thin. Not too tall. Started asking me about meat.

I eat a lot of meat. I’m a meat eater. Would I like to save money on meat? My neighbors had saved money on meat. Holy cow! A master salesman had snuck up on me and was intent on weaving me into his spells.

Meat.

That’s what it was about. Do I eat meat? Yes. A lot. Could I save money on meat? Oh man, meat prices are high. My favorite cut is ribeye. I prefer bone in, but you hardly ever find that around here. I guess I spend a lot of money on meat. At the Handy Market rib eye is at $12.00 per pound. Intense. I had been thinking I needed to do something. So I was susceptible.

To start with, you are on your porch with a stranger. You are in control. Well, maybe not. Next thing you know there are boxes of meat on your porch. Where did they come from? I tried to resist. He kept pushing, selling. Just let me show it to you. Ribeye, New York strip, chicken nuggets, hamburger. --Seven hundred bucks? Give me a break. --I’ll make it six hundred. It’s late in the day. --Six hundred? For what? How much is that per pound? --Black Angus. Look at these tenderloins. Bacon wrapped. I’ll give you a free freezer.-- I’m single. --I get most of my sales from single people.

Oh man.

I have a small freezer.-- If I can’t fit it in your freezer I’ll give it to you for free. Do you want me to make dinner for you right now? I’m a trained chef. You can microwave it.-- (I wouldn’t microwave raw beef for a million dollars.)  --I work at the Comedy Club. --The Comedy Club? --I’ll double the offer. Two times as much meat. It’s late in the day. --Could I get a sample, one small box or so? --I’ve doubled the offer. I need to sell all of the meat.

How much per pound? Ribeye at the Handy Market is twelve dollars a pound. (Yes, twelve dollars.) How much am I paying? --It’s Black Angus. --How much per pound? --Look at this ribeye, New York strip.

How much per pound?

I calculate. Something over fifty pounds of assorted meat. He’s dropped it to four hundred dollars. Eight dollars per pound. Steak. Black Angus. That’s less than the Handy Market. (Only I’m not thinking about the chicken and the hamburger. Master Salesman.)

Okay. I’ll do it. Fit it in my freezer. I don’t want you to cook me dinner. Just fit it in my freezer. Four hundred bucks.

He fits it in my freezer. His assistant is a cousin going into the military. A chaplain. A chaplain? At eighteen, twenty? A chaplain. This guy is good. That’s what  I should have thought. Repeat business. All the time he has talked about repeat business. He is out of pamphlets. I say I will scan his last one. Can’t get my scanner to work. I should have taken a picture. He leaves his phone number, says he will call, repeat business. He leaves me his phone number. Works at the Comedy Club.

He talks to his cousin as he fills my freezer. Some people don’t lower prices. He sells all of his meat. He lowers prices until he makes the deal. I hear this. Am I meant to hear this?

I feel the meat. Seems that it was frozen. The meat was not frozen. It is waiting to meet the temperature of your freezer. Black Angus. Steak. That is what he says. Not frozen and thawed. He vacuum wrapped it himself. Repeat business.

I give him a check. Four hundred dollars.

Yes. I have succumbed.

I have a freezer full of assorted meat.

I feel guilty. I buy meat at the Handy Market. I feel loyal to them but now I have a freezer full of meat. Who knows when the next time will be that I buy a rib eye steak from them?

In the aftermath.

It is not all Black Angus because it is not all steak. There is a lot of hamburger.

Here is a sampling:

So how did I do, really?

It’s hard to tell. You’d think that when I do a Google search on California meat price comparisons that I would get what you expect, meat price comparisons. Shame on you Google. No such thing. Nothing close. How in the heck do you compare meat prices without going to the store? Apparently it doesn’t exist online. So I went to Ralphs.

Boned chicken breast is about $4 per pound. Marinaded is about 6$ per pound.

Hamburger is about $4.50 per pound.

Rib eye and New York strip are about $11.50 per pound.

I don’t have a scale so all I can do is assume about 60 pounds of meat (maybe a little bit less) and 1/3 chicken, 1/3 hamburger, and 1/3 good steak. So, at Ralphs prices that would be: $420. Just a little over what I paid. So I didn’t get a good deal. Probably something less than a good deal, price per pound-wise. What about my total meat spend? I think I came out ahead there. This meat will last me something over three months. My calculation is that I would have spent more in my ordinary shopping than I would with all of this meat in the freezer.

The other issue. Was the meat previously frozen? Twice frozen meat isn’t as good as once frozen. When I couldn’t scan his brochure he took my e-mail address and said he would send it to me. He hasn’t. Yet, so far the quality of what I’ve cooked is okay.

I made chile last weekend. Three kinds of beans, two of the hamburger packets, and lots of spices, cooked in my slow cooker. It came to about three main meals and a lunch or two or three, and some interesting digestive responses. I don’t cook hamburger. Now I’m forced to find ways to use it. I’ve bought sour cream and bow tie noodles. Strogranoff.

My advice? Be on the lookout for slick salesmen. I was a tough sale, figuring price per pound, most buyers get lost and don’t even get that far, but he was ready for me, I still missed the deal. If I’d held out for one more round the guy would probably have knocked off another $100. But I don’t do this every day, heck, I only do this once in a lifetime. It’s a hard thing to stand up against a real salesman. He focuses you on the expensive beef when two-thirds of the product is much cheaper meat, and it’s more than just the meat. Great salesmen/women divert your attention, they play to your sympathies, your greed, and before you know it-----BAM! You’ve been had.

It was the end of the day. He had a lot of melting meat in his truck. I think I came out about even. On the whole I may spend less on meat as I empty the freezer than I would have otherwise but I won’t be eating quite the quality I usually buy. On the other hand, I’ll be experimenting with stuff I don’t usually use and that’s always fun. I cooked a New York strip tonight. There was a bone on the edge. Do New York strips come from a spot where there is a bone? Nello liked the fat. Even. That’s how I figure it. Even.

Gregg